Sit-Down Comedy: Urinals and Yeast Infections
I went to the mall a few weeks ago and when I went to the bathroom they had these urinals with “water-free technology.” Basically, you just pee into the urinal and you don’t have to flush because there is no water to flush. The pee just goes down the drain. Little does this urinal company know that I invented this technology years ago when I started peeing in the sink.
The other day I was almost t-boned when a car decorated in about 15 NASCAR stickers turned left while he was at a red light. You’d think a NASCAR fan could handle a left turn since that’s all they watch during a race.
I saw a woman with white pants that were so tight I could see the dimples on the cellulite of her butt. It looked like a giant golf ball. Somehow I knew Tiger Woods would approve.
I waited for my ex-girlfriend in the lobby of a tanning salon one time. It was torture. It smelled like what I imagine sweaty female beach volleyball players smell like. Okay…it was kind of awesome.
I remember whenever everyone thought that the awkward kid from the Wonder Years turned into Marilyn Manson. This is false because the awkward kid from the Wonder Years is actually Lady Gaga.
A couple years ago, the NBA put out a series of commercials themed around the slogan “Where amazing happens.” The WNBA also came out with a similar slogan that didn’t catch on quite as much, “Where periods, not quarters, happens.”
I worked for over a year at a bakery and didn’t get a single yeast infection. Your move ladies.